Rocky Mountain Mayhem Read online

  They clinked and slammed, then Rock-Ola asked, “So what’s on tap while you’re here?”

  “Spa-ing, hiking, relaxing,” Lucy said, fidgeting with her naked ring finger. “No set agenda. Just fun.”

  Not Santa took a swig of his beer, then Kate’s shot. “I think you girls should come back to the cabin with us. Get naked in the hot tub. What’s more relaxing than bubbles floating around your—”

  “I think we’ll have to pass on that,” Kate interrupted.

  “You sure? We could play reindeer games.” He took another swig.

  Vivian finished off her beer. “I hate to burst your bubble, but as intriguing as that sounds, not tonight. I do thank you for the visit to the South Pole, though.”

  Not Santa made a sad face. “You’re missing out on the power of the Pole.”

  Kate coughed, stood and picked up her purse. “I’ll go take care of the tab.”

  “Already taken care of.” Rock-Ola stood and helped Lucy scoot her chair back. “You have a nice visit. Maybe I’ll see you again while you’re here.”

  “Maybe. ’Night,” she said.

  Once outside, Wendy pointed to something in the distance. “What the hell is that?” She started across the street to investigate.

  The girls followed her and Vivian laughed and rubbed the golden head of a male statue. He was bent over tying his shoelace and dressed in slacks, blue Oxford shirt and beige cable knit sweater.* (See appendix).

  “Look, he’s at just the right level!”

  “You have such a one-track mind,” Kate said, laughing.

  Wendy got her camera out of her purse and snapped a candid. One for the scrapbook.

  Vivian saw movement down the street and blinked a few times, adjusting her eyes because of the flash. The cool May wind blew and she shivered.

  “I told you to layer up,” Lucy chided.

  She started to make a smartass remark but then saw the shadow move again. “Did y’all see that?”

  “What?” Kate asked.

  “I didn’t see anything,” Wendy said.

  A couple rounded the corner in front of them, huddled together and laughing.

  “Oh, nothing,” Vivian said.

  They walked by the windows to the Tree Bark Bar before entering the hotel. Eric was counting the cash drawer.

  Vivian perked up. “Let’s go in!” Before anyone could stop her, she was through the door.

  Eric looked up. “Did you make it to Donatelli’s?”

  “We did. Excellent recommendation. You closing up for the night?”

  “I am, but I’d be willing to make another round. On the house, my choice.”

  “They’ve already had a Santa’s South Pole, so that’s out,” Kate said and giggled. “And I’m still out.”

  As he made his concoction, he said to Vivian, “A guy asked about you today, after you left for dinner.”

  “What?”

  “I think he’s a guest. He asked how long you’d be here.”

  “Who is this guy? Did he act like he knows me?”

  “He didn’t say your name, and I didn’t tell him anything.”

  She pulled up a picture of Craig on her phone. “Was it this guy?”

  Eric took a close look. “Nope, definitely not him.” He poured four shots and topped them off with big swirls of whipped cream, then poured himself a shot of tequila.

  “Here you go, ladies.”

  Vivian put her phone away, relieved.

  Wendy picked up her shot.

  “Oh no no no. No hands allowed.”

  “I haven’t done one of these since I was in college!” Vivian said and laughed.

  “What is it?” Kate asked.

  Lucy, Vivian and Wendy all said in unison, “A blowjob!”

  Kate made a face. “I’m not drinking, but I’m giving the toast.”

  They all lined up with their shots in front of them on the bar and Kate got out her camera.

  “Here’s to no more strange guys wanting to get us naked in a hot tub.”

  The girls woo-hooed, leaned over and skillfully shot their blowjobs as Kate clicked away.

  “I completely disagree,” Eric said, then slammed his tequila.

  8

  Day 2

  VIVIAN and the girls awoke early, ready to start their first full day of vacation. Over coffee and juice around the table in their room, Lucy pitched attending a primitive wilderness school being taught just outside Aspen.

  “Wilderness school?” Vivian asked.

  “Primitive?” Wendy asked.

  Lucy handed Vivian the brochure. “The morning class covers the basics of wilderness survival and land navigation, and the afternoon covers scouting and tracking.”

  “You’re not taking us on some overnight hiking excursion, are you?” Wendy said. “I like the comforts of a hotel.”

  “Not tonight, but maybe one day we should go camping. It would be a fun girl’s trip.”

  Vivian choked on her juice. “I don’t see ever putting myself in a situation where I would need to scout or track something. I’m not much of an outdoor girl.”

  Kate took the brochure from Vivian and looked it over. “This sounds like fun, and after our last vacation, I wouldn’t mind knowing some survivor skills.”

  Wendy put her feet up on the bed. “It’s not like we needed to start a fire with our bare hands so we could boil water in Playa del Carmen.”

  “No, but we were trying to track down someone difficult to find,” Lucy said in defense. “And it’d help me out living up here. My boss’ sister and her husband are experienced hikers, and they recently got lost on a trail and had to be rescued by helicopter. They had some survival training, and they say it helped save their lives.”

  “Those poor people.” Kate shook her head. “I think we should do it.”

  “Do they feed us lunch?” Wendy asked.

  Lucy jumped up and down and grabbed Vivian’s hand. “I bet it’s a rockin’ Rocky Mountain lunch. Come on, what do you say?”

  Vivian thought about Lucy stuck in the mountains needing help. “If the instructor is cute, I’m in.”

  Kate picked up her iPhone. “Let’s look him up!” She worked her phone for a minute, then showed the screen to the girls.

  He looked to be in his late 30s and wore camouflage cargo pants and a tight black T-shirt, which looked pretty damned good on him.

  “He is cute,” Wendy said. “Okay, I’m in.”

  “Perhaps he’ll need a volunteer to help demonstrate staying warm in the winter?” Vivian clapped her hands and then rubbed them together. “Oh, or CPR!”

  “One track mind,” Lucy said, shaking her head. “If we have time afterwards, I’d love to get my game on. The hotel has racquetball courts in their fitness center.”

  Wendy and Kate weren’t interested but Vivian agreed, so Lucy called to reserve a court. After a quick breakfast at the closest thing Aspen had to a Denny’s, the girls got the car out of valet and headed west of town.

  The drive didn’t take long, but Kate bristled when Lucy turned onto Cemetery Road.

  “Relax.” She gave Kate a dismissive wave. “The class meets at Sunnyside trailhead, not the cemetery. Much cheerier.” Lucy pulled into a small, muddy parking lot and stopped in front of a large oak tree.

  A Paul Bunyan-sized man was speaking with three other guys just past a marquee providing info and a map of the trail. It was the same guy they’d seen on the internet.

  “You here for the primitive wilderness course?” he asked as the girls walked up.

  Vivian felt about 3-feet tall under his hazel-eyed gaze. She imagined running her fingers through his unruly brown hair but didn’t think she could reach it.

  “Yes, we are,” Wendy answered.

  One of the other guys snickered, and Bunyan cut his gaze to him. The guy immediately stopped.

  Bunyan introduced himself as Buck, and introductions were made. Vivian didn’t like Chris, the snicker-er. He was about 6-foot, but looked like Ta
ttoo from Fantasy Island compared to the instructor.

  Buck got right to business. “The essentials in wilderness survival are shelter, fire, food and water. You need to be able to find, make and maintain shelter, fire and food, and you need to be able to find and purify water. In order to do those things, every hiker or wilderness explorer should hit the trail with their EDC, everyday carry tools.”

  He pulled a knife out of a sheath on his belt. “One of the most important tools out here. Whether it’s cutting saplings for a tree-pit snow shelter or skinning dinner, a sharp knife is a must.”

  Vivian shivered. She hoped there would be no skinning demonstrations.

  Buck returned the knife, then picked up his backpack. He pulled out some of the contents. “Rope, poncho and stakes for a lean-to.” He threw those on the ground and reached into the bag. “First-aid kit. Should be a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised at the number of hikers who get into trouble that could have been avoided, had they had a stocked first-aid kit.”

  He pulled out a small brown bottle and a contraption with a pump and tubes. He shook the bottle. “Iodine tablets will kill 100 percent of the bacteria, viruses and giardia in contaminated bodies of water, but the results don’t taste great.” He dropped the bottle in the backpack and held up the contraption. “Water purifier, the most essential tool for the most essential element in wilderness survival. We will hike through the oaks about half a mile to a pond. Each of you will have a chance to use the pump, and I encourage you to taste for yourself.” He turned and headed up the trail.

  The group followed as Buck pointed out hidden dangers, identified foliage that could be eaten, animal tracks along the way, etc.

  At the pond, Chris, the snicker-er, said, “No way I’m going to drink anything out of there.”

  A stench rose from the murky, film-covered water. Decaying plant matter along the sides left suspended particles in the muck.

  “Who wants to go first?” Buck asked after demonstrating the purification process.

  Vivian’s stomach lurched thinking about it, but she was determined to show up the guys, so she raised her hand.

  “That’s what I like,” Buck said. “Someone who’s not afraid to take chances.”

  She assembled the pump as Buck had instructed, and stuck the dirty end of one tube in the pond. She put the clean end into a small plastic cup Buck provided. With a few easy decompressions on the pump handle, clear water filled the cup. She air-toasted Chris and gulped it down. It tasted a little funkified, but she forced a smile on her face.

  “Who’s next?” Buck asked.

  One of the other guys was overeager and pumped shots for his buddies. It was the girls’ turn to snicker.

  Buck moved to a nearby evergreen and explained how to pick a good spot for a lean-to, then showed how to construct it using the ropes, poncho and stakes.

  Lucy raised her hand. “What’s the tree-pit snow shelter you mentioned earlier?”

  “Let’s go over here and I’ll show you,” Buck said, then moved off the trail into a snowy patch. “I need volunteers to dig the snow out from around this tree wide enough for two people to get in. This time of year it’s not all that deep so this instruction is more for educational purposes than actual utilization, but midwinter, this knowledge could save your life. Pack the snow firm on top and inside as well.”

  “What do we dig with?” Wendy asked.

  “Your hands, unless you brought a shovel.”

  “Come on, it’ll be fun,” Kate said and dug in. “We’re learning to survive in the wilderness.”

  Wendy didn’t look as enthusiastic.

  The girls had a hole dug to Buck’s specifications in no time, as the snow was more mush than powder. Vivian’s hands stung from the cold and her exercise pants were muddy from kneeling.

  Buck pulled out his knife and cut a few boughs off a juniper. “Place these in the bottom for insulation.” They did while he cut a few more. “You would use these for cover on top.”

  Lucy hopped into the pit and held one of the jumper branches over her head, peeking out. “Can you see me?” she asked Vivian.

  Buck laughed and reached out a hand to help Lucy up. Getting back into instructor mode, he said, “Navigating off-trail is of the utmost importance should you get lost or disoriented in the wilderness.” He unzipped a pocket on his camo pants, pulled out several compasses and handed them to the group. He had them hold the compass and turn from side to side as he gave basic instructions.

  He pointed out the peak to Red Mountain and went into an explanation on azimuths. Vivian tuned out the projected vector, zenith, perpendicular, blah blah. She was more interested in the rest of him.

  Wrapping up the compass instruction, he handed everyone a topographical map and explained how to read it. “Now that you can read the topos, it’s time to put your skills to use—”

  “Tacos?” Wendy said. “I could put my skills to use eating one of those right now.”

  “Me, too.” Vivian giggled but stopped at Buck’s glance.

  “Topos, as in topography,” he explained.

  Vivian and Wendy shared an oops moment.

  Buck addressed the group. “Do you see Squirrel Lake?”

  Nods all around.

  “Your job is to hike there, off-trail, using nothing but the map, compass and azimuth skills I’ve given you. It should take you no more than 15 minutes.”

  “What if we get lost?” Wendy asked.

  Lucy raised her map in the air. “I got this.”

  Buck clapped, dismissing them. “See you in 15.”

  9

  THE girls conferred over the map for a few minutes before trekking northeast toward Squirrel Lake. Mr. Snicker and his two buddies had taken off right away.

  Ten minutes into their hike, Kate stopped and consulted the map. “We should have passed this stream by now.” She pointed to a thin blue line about halfway from where they were to where the lake was.

  “Maybe we just haven’t gotten to it yet?” Vivian asked.

  “I need to recheck the azimuth calculation.” Kate scanned the horizon and ticked off a few points on her hand. “I think we need to head more east than north.”

  “Sure thing,” Wendy said and they started out.

  Another five minutes passed, and Kate clicked her tongue. “This isn’t right. We definitely should have passed that stream by now.”

  “Maybe it’s dried up?” Vivian said.

  “Probably not, it’s spring,” Lucy looked at the map, then at the horizon. “By my calculations, we should head directly north. It just feels right.”

  Vivian leaned against an aspen. “That doesn’t sound very scientific.”

  “You wanna figure it out?” Lucy asked.

  “I wasn’t paying attention! He started to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher so I checked him out instead. Fine specimen.”

  Kate and Lucy turned to Wendy, who threw up her hands. “Don’t ask me. I hated geography in high school and used to fall asleep in class.”

  Kate looked at the map again. “I think we’re officially lost.”

  Lucy looked over her shoulder. “We can’t be that lost, we’ve only been walking a few minutes.”

  They studied the map together. Wendy walked the perimeter, scanning for landmarks. Vivian checked her cell phone. No service. “At least it’s still early. They should find us before the creatures come out.”

  “I think I got it,” Kate said. “If we hike a bit that way,” she pointed a little to the right of north, according to Vivian’s compass, “we should make it to the southern edge of the lake, instead of the east, as we had planned.”

  “Lead us to the promise land, sista!” Vivian said.

  They started out again and hiked for 10 minutes before reaching a ravine.

  “Is this the stream?” Vivian asked and sat on top of a boulder lining the edge. It started to slide and she scrambled forward, grasping for a tree.

  Lucy and Wendy ran to her, grabbing her arm just
in time to pull her to safety. The boulder continued to slide off the side, crunching and crushing everything in its path. The three fell in a heap.

  “Oh my god!” Vivian said as she sat up. “That coulda killed me!”

  Kate rushed over and helped her up. “You probably would have been impaled on something on the way down.”

  “We would have needed a medical chopper to rescue you,” Wendy said and stood up. “That crash sounded bad.”

  Vivian dusted herself off. “Thanks for the save!”

  “We get an F in primitive wilderness school,” Lucy said, looking dejected. “I was sure I would ace this.”

  Vivian patted her back. “You did great with the tree-pit snow shelter. That’s something.”

  “And you saved your friend’s life,” Buck said as he walked up behind them.

  “Woo-hoo, we’re saved!” Wendy said and clapped. “I am done with this land navigating stuff.”

  “How did you find us?” Lucy asked.

  “At first I tracked you,” Buck said and chuckled. “Then it wasn’t hard to hear you, so I just followed the sound.”

  “Tracked us?” Kate said.

  “Yes. Using the skills of Apache warriors, I can track anyone and sneak up silently.”

  Vivian crossed her arms in front of her chest, then raised one hand. “How Chief Buck, we come in peace. Ooohoohoohoohooo!” She popped her hand back and forth over her mouth doing her best Apache impersonation. She was one-sixteenth Cherokee so she felt semi-qualified.

  “Thanks for finding us,” Lucy said.

  “If it’s any conciliation, the guys didn’t make it, either,” Buck said.

  “Is that what you’re teaching us this afternoon?” Kate asked.

  “The basics, yes. Let’s get back to the group.” He crossed the ravine and the girls followed — carefully.

  Buck had the guys gather tinder, kindling and a few larger logs for his fire demonstration. He got right to it. “There are four types of campfires: cooking, warmth, lighting and signaling. Which one you build depends on your situation.”

  “I always thought there was a one-size-fits-all fire,” Vivian whispered to Lucy.

  “Me, too.”